I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
