Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
