I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
