matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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