I haven't been this sober since birth.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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