I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
