Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
