I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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