I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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