Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I've blown a few things in my day
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
