Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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