I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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