haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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