whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
