Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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