Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
