I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
