My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
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Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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