your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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