I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
