Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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