The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
