And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
