Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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