How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize