Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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