Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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