Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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