dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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