it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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