Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
