if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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