Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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