My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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