considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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