can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
