Swine flu. Run for my life!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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