I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.