it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
