hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet