Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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