You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
