woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
