I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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