There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
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The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
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See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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