you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
