sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
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If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
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Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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