If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
