True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
