I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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