what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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