He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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