I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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