everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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