So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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