She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
