We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
