Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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