Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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