I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
