I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
